Those are NOT snacks...

When I said bring over snacks... I didn't mean carrots and celery and dip and shit.

Ode to the Farmer's Daughter

Ode to the Farmer's Daughter

You're so hot...
I like your weird arm tan...
You're freakishly strong...
Your dad shot at me...
Your shoes smell like horse shit.

Gym time, maybe?

I'm "tore a tricep using a stapler" out of shape.

Butterball

Ever buy 2 McDonald's meals for yourself, but get 2 different drinks so they think you have a friend at home?..
But there's no friend.

30's sext message

30's sext:

Let's go to a bar where we can sit down.

Hangover club rules

First rule of Hangover club...

You don't talk, loudly... about anything.

My donut secret

In an effort to remove suspicion that I'm eating donuts for dinner, I ask if they'll be okay or would they be stale before my morning meeting...

They know there's no meeting.

Oh, they know.