30's sext message

30's sext:

Let's go to a bar where we can sit down.

Hangover club rules

First rule of Hangover club...

You don't talk, loudly... about anything.

My donut secret

In an effort to remove suspicion that I'm eating donuts for dinner, I ask if they'll be okay or would they be stale before my morning meeting...

They know there's no meeting.

Oh, they know.

2 reasons?

Apparently...  I'm not allowed to sing "I only came for the bitchez & the drinks, bitchez & the drinks" while I wait for my drink at the coffeemaker at work.

Arguing neighbors

Dear arguing neighbors,

Saying she was "acting like a bitch" IS the same thing as calling her a bitch, Bob... 

Judy, stop acting like a bitch.

Bacon House

I love coming back home from a run & my house still smells like bacon from breakfast...

Just kidding, I don't run...
Andddd I didn't leave the house today.

I did in fact, cook & eat a whole pack of bacon & went out to get the paper.

Healthy Living

Low calorie breakfast- ✅
Healthy salad for lunch✅
Light dinner✅
Make & eat an entire birthday cake at midnight & erase the entire day- ✅

🎂🍰🎂🍰🎂🍰🎂🍰🎂🍰🎂

Where ma dogs at?

DMX-Grrr

Vet-Umm, Hello...
DMX-Where ma dogs at?
Vet-Umm, when did you drop him off?

DMX-Where ma dogs at?

Vet-  Sir, What's your pets name?
DMX-Where MA, DOGS, AT?...
Vet-Sir, I can't help you if you don't...
DMX-GRRRRRR!

Vet-  ...I'm calling the police.

My Tweets

If I had a nickel everytime someone called me Obsessive Compulsive...
I would have precisely five thousand, two hundred & eighty-one nickels

Twitter: @dallani